61

The Associate Press reports via the Worldwide Leader.

TAMPA, Fla. — Billy Crystal will get to “look mahvelous” in pinstripes.

The actor will sign a one-day, minor league contract with the New York Yankees and play in Thursday’s exhibition game against the Pittsburgh Pirates.

“I know this’ll be tougher than the Broadway Softball League, but I’m looking forward to helping the younger players, which by the way is all of them. Oops, I have to go, Scott Boras is on the phone.”

–Billy Crystal, in a statement released by the Yankees

Crystal, an avid Yankees fan, will work out with the team on Wednesday and will wear uniform No. 60 for the game — to be played one day before his 60th birthday. The Yankees said Monday they have the approval of baseball commissioner Bud Selig.

“I’ve been waiting 50 years for this call,” Crystal said in a statement released by the team. “I’m overwhelmed by the generosity of the Yankees and commissioner Selig. I know this’ll be tougher than the Broadway Softball League, but I’m looking forward to helping the younger players, which by the way is all of them. Oops, I have to go, Scott Boras is on the phone.”

Crystal, according to the Yankees hit .348 and was captain during his senior year at Long Beach High School in New York. He directed and produced “61*,” a move about Roger Maris, Mickey Mantle and the 1961 Yankees.

“The Yankees are excited to welcome the newest member of our team known for his humor and wit as well as his undying love for the Yankees,” chief operating officer Lonn Trost said.

Yankees manager Joe Girardi, after Monday night’s 4-0 win over Cincinnati, said he hasn’t determined what position Crystal will play.

“That remains to be seen,” Girardi said. “Obviously, it’s kind of exciting. Billy Crystal has done a lot for this organization. He’s always been a big part of it. Our way of rewarding him, saying thanks for everything that you’ve done.”

Country singer Garth Brooks has played in spring training games, helping raise money for his Touch ‘em All Foundation. He was 1-for-22 (.045) in 1999 with the San Diego Padres, 0-for-17 the following year with the New York Mets and 1-for-8 (.125) in 2004 with the Kansas City Royals.

Copyright 2008 by The Associated Press

Are girls in Baltimore that ugly?

16 Days ago, Aubrey Huff was invited on Bubba the Love Sponge’s (Seriously, How cool is that name?) nationally syndicated radio show. Among the topics were baseball, family, and … masturbation?

Bubba: “Now Aubrey, do you jack off a lot on the road, like when you’re not with your wife.”

Huff: “It’s all I do. It’s all I do. You guys have no idea how much downtime there is in baseball. You wake up from a hangover about 1 o’clock.”

Producer shouts: “In the afternoon?”

Huff: “Oh, yeah! Lemme tell you this. When you are hung over, how horny are you? I’m horny, when I’m hungover, I’m horny. So I’m just gonna beat off. And that’s all I do.”

Bubba: “And do you have your own room or do you have a roommate.”

Huff: “No, I’ve got my own room. C’mon, I’m not gonna beat off in front of my own roommate. C’mon Bubba!”

Bubba: “What time is the team bus to get to the field, like 5?”

Huff: “Four o’clock.”

Bubba: “So for three hours you’re just jerking the fuck outta yourself.

Huff: You know what they have now in the hotels is the (paas??) for $34.99, you get the whole section.”

Bubba: “Who does that get billed to, you or the Orioles?

Huff: “No, that’s my own gig. When you check out and she (the hotel clerk) says, $34.99 and she looks at you as you’re checking out: ‘Ahh, you beat the shit outta it, didn’t ya?’ ‘Yeah, pretty much! Yeah, I jacked the fucking shit outta it!’ ”

Bubba: “So they did the room and you do the incidentals.”

Huff: “Yeah, incidentals are all us, which include porn. And jacking off.”

At least the man has enough respect to not do it in front of his roommate, and this also explains why he’s always in such a daze during games, he’s already had his fill of physical strain. Anyway Orioles suck.

Pet Your Friends

 EDIT: Check out the Seinfeld episode pitch below, it has to do with A-Rod’s 500th home run, and the ceremony.

So nothing much happened the last few days, just being lazy sorta took over. I was watching the Yankee game last night, and suprise suprise, there was a ceremony for Alex Rodriguez. I love A-Rod in a non homosexual way. When people booed him, I clapped. So when no.500 came along, the Yankees decided to give him a couple of gifts à la Tom Glavine’s 300th win. Obviously besides just honoring his major accomplishment, the memorabilia and gifts were branded with Yankees logo to remind A-Rod for which team he hit that home-run. (Just a little nudge to when the all important Opt-Out clause comes along this offseason). George Steinbrenner III provided Alex with a plaque, similar to the one from the US open, since George is on his way out, and can barely walk, Derek Jeter presented it.

The most entertaining thing though was the paintings and sculpture.

Oh.

My.

God.
What is that? Seriously, the Yankees hired some artist to portrait Alex. IT LOOKED LIKE A MIDDLE SCHOOL WATERCOLOR PAINTING. On top of that, the sculpture with multicolored bats, was dropped by the artist. Seriously these things looked like they came straight out of an episode of Seinfeld. Except the sculpture would have been dropped by George Costanza and not the artist.

The episode would’ve started with Steinbrenner asking George to pick up a painting commemorating A-Rod’s 500th Homerun. On his way there, the cab driver stops for coffee, George does his annoyed thing. When George got to the store, the store manager told him he sold the paintings, George was supposed to be there 10 minutes earlier, and he would’ve if the Cab driver didn’t stop for coffee. George argues, and goes back to Jerry’s. Kramer pops in, and immediately has a solution for George’s problem. He knows an artist who can make portraits quick. He tells George that this artist is a prodigy and will do it for a low price. He gives George the address, and George leaves. He gets to the apartment building and knock on the door. A scruffy looking 50 year old opens the door, he asks “Are you Kramer’s friend?” George says yes, and then the scruffy guy calls a guy named Johnny to the door. Johnny is 12 and a child prodigy. George is nervous and desperate so he gives him a picture of A-Rod, and is supposed to come back in 2 hrs,  which is a 1/2 hr before the game starts. 2hrs later George comes back, he tells his Cabbie to wait outside. He gets the paintings, which are wrapped in a brown paper, and runs down the stairs because he only has 20 minutes to get to the stadium. The Cab isn’t there, so he calls Jerry who picks him up. George gets there in time, and opens up the paintings. He is sure he’s going to get fired, because these paintings look ridiculous. George and Jerry get seats for the game, and wait. While stressing about his future, George sees the cabbie who stopped for coffee two rows in front of him.  He yells at him, and he and the Cab driver get into a fight, when George gets hit by a foul ball. We find George in his office, when he is called to Steinbrenner’s. Apparently Steinbrenner hated the paintings and fired the guy who commissioned the original paintings, that George didn’t pick up.  George is saved for the moment, and wonders if the original paintings will ever show up. The scene cuts, to Alex’s apartment where the two original paintings are hanging next to the paintings George bought.

Yeah, that was really long. Any comments if you read it?